“But that’s not how I meant it!”
“I didn’t intend for that reaction.”
“Regardless of how you interpreted it, that wasn’t what I meant…”
All of the above are hallmarks of crap communication.
Recently I have been witness to several interactions, conversations, and posts that have had this in common: the speaker’s (or writer’s) words or actions were interpreted in a way other than s/he originally intended. (I won’t link or post any details; that would be rude.)
This is normal.
We are humans.
We cannot read minds.
(Yet.)
However, what I’ve noticed in these recent interactions is that when the original speaker utters one of the above phrases, everything just stops. Communication shuts down.
This is because the listener (or reader) feels unheard. What was originally meant to be a two-way discussion has now ended. There is a lack of responsibility implied in all of the statements above. Basically, the speaker is saying, “Well, I can’t control how you think/react/understand what I’ve said, so whatever… that’s not what I meant and it’s your problem because that’s not what I meant and you don’t understand what I was trying to say.”
Yep, full communication shutdown. This is fine, I suppose, if the interaction is between two people who don’t give a sh!t about having any further kind of relationship or positive communication. Okay, so someone’s feelings are hurt, the speaker feels misunderstood, the listener feels misunderstood, but whatevs, yo… move on, coz I got other things ta do and you are not important. Moveon.org and a bag of chips.
But if the interaction is between two (or more) people who have an established relationship or are trying to establish one — yes, even between a writer and his/her broad audience, coz that’s still a relationship — this kind of response is going to make for a lot of backpedalling and conflict resolution.
Why?
Because such a response lacks sensitivity, responsibility, and empathy. It completely ignores that when you communicate, you communicate for an audience. That is, the goal in most (all?) communication is to have people understand you, and to repsond in turn. Comments like those at the start of this post imply that your audience was not considered when you spoke/wrote/acted. It doesn’t even allow the audience to have access to what your original intent was. This is true even in situations where your audience is someone you didn’t expect or didn’t know about — the surprise audience. Our words and actions have consequences, and sometimes they are far-reaching beyond our imaginations. This is part of what makes life beautiful and crazy, and it’s also part of what makes all of what we say and do so important.
I’ve seen it time and time again: On Twitter. On blogs. In F2F interactions at the bus stop. In email conversations. In classrooms. In press conferences on TV. If you don’t acknowledge the recipient’s interpretation and feelings, you are ending the communication, and possibly even ending the relationship… or at least putting it on that trajectory.
And I’m tired of people simply claiming “That’s not what I meant. So there” and thinking that’s enough.
It isn’t!
An apology is always good. It’s hard, though, and so maybe that’s why people don’t always offer one in these circumstances. Apologies mean acknowledging some kind of wrong, and people don’t like to think of themselves as having done anything wrong. This is self-preservation. Oh, and an apology that sounds like, “Oh, I’m sorry – that wasn’t what I meant” is equally as insensitive, irresponsible, and unempathetic.
Instead, acknowledge what your reader/viewer/listener has understood. Paraphrase and repeat back to them to clarify their understanding. Then say something along the lines of
“I’m sorry that what I said / did gave you that understanding. I want you to know that I did not intend it that way but I now see why you might interpret it as such. I am sorry that I was not clear / thorough / thoughtful / whatever.”
A response like this one above takes responsibility for your actions or words. It lets the other person know that you heard what s/he said, and attempted to understand how s/he understood you differently than how you intended. It is respectful. It might be adapted or expanded to include other things if your listener/viewer/reader was personally (and unintentionally) offended or hurt. I mean, you can play around with this, right? It invites conversation.
The main thing I’m getting at is that absolving oneself from the pain of miscommunication simply by saying “that’s now how I meant it” does little to further a respectful relationship of any kind.
I am not, btw, implying that all writers/speakers/people of the world need to be responsible for and take into consideration the possible thoughts/feelings/interpretations of every single person in the world who might read their work, hear them speak, or have a friendly interaction with them on the street. That would be completely over-the-top and far beyond what any human could do. What I am saying, though, is that in all of our actions and words, with everyone, we could all do a little more to consider the wider implications of how they will be interpreted by others.
It’s about being aware, being cognizant, being empathetic.
How might this be understood?
What might it be like for this person to hear this / see this / read this / receive this / take this / know this?
Even just considering the answers to those two questions, I suspect, could start us off on the right foot.
We will mess up. We will be misunderstood and others will misunderstand us. We will hurt people.
But I hope that when that happens, we can respond in ways that are empathetic, thoughtful, and sensitive, rather than simply clinging to the self-defense conversation-stopper of “But that’s not what I intended.”
You are bigger than your words and actions. They go beyond your intentions and purposes. This is one of the most beautiful things about being human, so let’s embrace and nurture it carefully to develop the kinds of relationships that will make us even more beautiful and human.
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