I’m behind again.
Wednesday: was out late with Twitter friends… no post.
Thursday: had an overly-intense workout that left me in much pain (more on this later — much learned). Was in bed early (unlike me) and very sore… no post.
Friday: restorative yoga and out (again!) for dinner and tea with a friend. Got home late and tired… no post.
Which brings us to today.
Truthfully, I’ve had lots of time to post these past few days, as I’ve been on holidays, but I’ve felt a bit stuck. There are several reasons for this. Most of them are reasons I’m not ready to share publicly. The thing is, I have lots to say. I’m just not sure how to say it. It’s a weird kind of writer’s block. Things are bubbling at the surface. They need to be said. I will get there. I’m just figuring out … HOW. I’m not depressed or angry or anything … it’s nothing like that (in case you were worried… haha. All good!). I’m just… stuck.
I know this might sound strange considering that many of my posts are trite and silly. But they are (I am?) taking a new turn, I guess. As is often the case, I’ve got more things going on in my head than I’m letting on. And I’m having arguments with myself at the moment as to how to best express those things. It’s hard. It’s okay. I know I’ll get out of it once I work through a few things.
In the meantime, I thought I’d share that I caught up with a bit of Jimmy Fallon on CNBC here tonight. I didn’t even know I could watch Jimmy Fallon on CNBC in Singapore — turns out you can watch the entire week’s episodes all back-to-back on Saturday night. Kinda weird, right? So I watched 3 episodes. It was a really odd feeling: I’ve never watched any American late-night shows while living in Singapore… or anywhere else outside of the USA and Canada, for that matter. When I’m in Canada (usually in the summer), I watch these shows regularly — nearly every night. It’s one of the ways I keep up with pop culture, new music, etc. while I’m there. But here? It felt out of place, but I still watched.
Anyway, on Fallon’s show this week, one episode included a performance by Gordon Lightfoot. I almost couldn’t believe it. Lightfoot seems so…. anachronistic for Fallon, especially when you consider The Roots as a fixture, just next to the stage. He performed “If You Could Read My Mind,” which I swear is one of my favorite songs of all time — though I also swear many others sing it better than he does. As much as I love old Gord, for me he is in the same category as Neil Young, Bob Dylan, and Leonard Cohen — exceptionally talented songwriters who are barely-passable singers. Having said that, however, I fully appreciate their respective places in the history of modern music, and I love (many of) their songs. And seeing Gordon Lightfoot perform this song on Jimmy Fallon just made me… all teary.
One of the reasons for this is that every time I hear Gordon Lightfoot — or Neil Young, for that matter — I think of my dad. I imagine this is because when I was very young — pre-memory, probably — my dad listened to Lightfoot and Young a lot. He also played and sang their music himself, on a guitar… still does, though not as often, I don’t think (Mum can verify this, as we don’t live with him anymore! haha). I grew up disliking Lightfoot and Young and that wholeof singer-songwriter genre mostly because I had listened to it so much in my early childhood and by the time I was a teenager in the late 80s and early 90s, that stuff was so not hip.
It wasn’t until I was much older — nearly 30, I think — that I realized how deeply imprinted those sensory memories were onto my brain. In fact, I very distinctly recall going to a live music event in Doha where an acoustic band (an expat band, probably — this is one detail I don’t remember) began playing a Neil Young song, and suddenly out of nowhere I began crying into my beer. My sweet Nova Scotian friend, Nadine, who was with me at the time understood what was happening (I had told her about my dad before) and without even flinching, put her arm around me saying, “Honey, I know how you feel! It happens to me every time I hear Great Big Sea!” Ever since then, when I hear Lightfoot or Young, I have a different reaction than I did when I was in my teens or 20s. I still don’t love their voices, but I do love their music, and hearing them instantly brings me back to … my dad.
Tonight was no different. Seeing Lightfoot perform on Fallon’s show captivated me. He is old — much older than the last time I saw him on television. Wikipedia tells me he is 10 years younger than my grandma (!) but I swear she looks and sounds 10 years younger than he does. His voice faltered in a few places, but mind you… it always did. The song, though… the song is still beautiful. And it still makes me think very fondly of my dad… who I also know can sing this song better than Lightfoot himself. 🙂 Yes, okay… Lightfoot himself is a legend… and his performance is incomparable, but I still don’t think his voice is better than my dad’s!
Today’s truth is that no matter what, wherever I am in the world, whenever I hear Gordon Lightfoot (or Neil Young), I remember Dad playing and singing these songs with his guitar in the living room… Lightfoot might be a legend, but you are too, Dad! <3
And so, in honour of memories: I sadly can’t post a video to share of the memories in my brain of my dad singing Lightfoot, so instead I’ll post one to share how I remember Gordon Lightfoot, knowing that the memories of my dad are parallel.
Thinking of you, Dad!
