Weakness is a strength

Today I went for brunch with a friend whom I love. She’s the kind of friend who fits in really well with brunches and cocktails. 🙂 In fact, much of our friendship has been over these kinds of things — these things and international living. We’ve both spent a lot of years outside of our respective home countries. She is considerably younger than me, but we have much in common. 

I’ve always regarded this friend as an incredibly resilient person. She has been admirably solid in the face of challenges and resourceful in overcoming obstacles. I respect this about her tremendously, and I think it’s one of the many reasons we get on so well. 

Today she shared with me some details of a current challenge she is facing which showed me a different side of her. Her sharing this demonstrated that she trusts me and that she — like all of us — has very real fears about her future. 

I saw that she was vulnerable. And I instantly loved her even more. 

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Several months ago, I had a rather intense heart-to-heart conversation with Keri-Lee (a dear friend). I was struggling with a basketload of things in my life at that time, both personal and professional. Keri-Lee told me how much she loved that I was so strong and independent and forthright in the face of these challenges. In the next breath, she told me that when she saw this “other” side of me — the side that was sitting in front of her, quite teary and helpless, asking for advice and support — that she loved me even more because I was brave enough to be vulnerable with her.

She went on to say that she thought that perhaps one of my weaknesses was that maybe… just maybe… I wasn’t vulnerable often enough. Perplexed, I asked her to elaborate, which she did in the most caring of ways. Her theory was that because I’m so used to “being” so fiercely independent — it’s woven into the core of my being — I’m not always comfortable revealing my fears, setbacks, and struggles. However, it’s when I do choose to reveal these that I become more human and open to connections with others.

I felt (and still do) incredibly blessed to have a friend as honest and caring as Keri-Lee to share this with me. I felt like this was something I had needed to hear for years. In many ways, I felt (and still do) relief and joy that someone had finally given me permission to be vulnerable, as I’ve gone through most of my life believing that I shouldn’t reveal this part of me. This was all a remarkable revelation. Why had no one told me this before? I had never thought of vulnerability this way… as a  — dare I say it? — as a strength, even. It was as if the key to understanding the universe had just been handed to me by someone who told me it had been just sitting in the bottom drawer of my desk this entire time. Now that it was in my hands, I had some serious exploring to do.

Keri-Lee’s observations and suggestions have stayed with me ever since. Barely a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about her advice.

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And today, in the eyes of my resilient friend across the brunch table, I saw exactly what Keri-Lee was talking about. I saw my friend in a way that was so much more human and connected and open and loving. I also saw myself. I suddenly understood how revealing one’s vulnerability can actually strengthen one’s humanity…. and the humanity of those in her circle.

Revealing our vulnerabilty strengthens all of humanity, because in the presence of trust, it brings us closer together.

This has been a HUGE, illuminated understanding for me. HUGE. Like, hit-me-over-the-head-with-a-two-by-four huge. 

As such, Keri-Lee’s words will forever be an invaluable source of wisdom for me. 

The key, of course, is trust. So my next quest, in addition to learning how to be more vulnerable, is to learn how to better cultivate trust. Not that I think I’m doing it horribly; I just better understand now how it is at the core of all human emotion. 

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More than a year ago, another friend gave me this book as a gift. She felt so strongly about it that she wanted me to read it. (I love when friends recommend books to me, so what an extra treat that she gifted this to me! Thank you, Brighde!) The book is about being healthy in body, mind, and spirit, but most of it is focused on the physical aspects of lifestyle — what we eat and how we take care of our bodies so that we can hopefully live long and happy lives. 

This quote stood out to me when I read the book, and I couldn’t help but think of it today:

Make time for hearing your loved ones’ struggles and challenges. When a friend speaks, listen with your heart rather than your judgment. You may not be able to take away another’s pain, but you can hear it. Afterward, write them a card or bring them a flower to acknowledge and thank them for entrusting you with their vulnerability as well as their strength.

-John Robbins, Healthy at 100: The Scientifically Proven Secrets of the World’s Healthiest and Longest-Lived Peoples

Here’s to being human. 

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(I am behind again — another 7 days, to be exact. That’s 14 now I’m up to! This time it was due to Year 7 Camp, in the jungle, far from internet connections of any kind. I’m expecting to do more writing in coming weeks. Stay tuned. Lots of good stuff happening!)