Today’s truth comes in bullet points / stream-of-consciousness:
- When I am feeling unwell, I get into a really nasty mood combination of self-pity, irritability, and general discomfort. Nothing feels right.
- This happens even when I am a little sick, like I have been this week. This isn’t even halfway to super sick. I’m just sniffly and coughy and sneezy. I know it could be (has been) worse and yet I still get into a snit about being sick.
- I’m rather ashamed of this.
- I don’t like not feeling like myself.
- I feel like I’m a waste of a person on these days, barely getting through tasks that have any meaning, or still doing the tasks that have big meaning, but without much heart, just going through the motions, doing the things that need to be done (read: paperwork) but none of the things that have lasting consequence in my mind, or missing what should have lasting consequence because I feel unengaged, and this is because when I’m unwell I can’t remember things or think properly or devote myself to deep cognitive processes. I’m spent.
- I hope people forgive me.
- I want to be well tomorrow, and so I stayed home so that I could be well tomorrow, and the whole time I stayed home I kept thinking about what I would be doing if I were out doing things (probably a lot more things in my head than I actually would be doing.)
- This makes me think of all the people who have ongoing illnesses or chronic pain and I wonder how the hell they keep going.
- I myself have been sick sick sick for days on end before with major pain where I was out of commission for days/ weeks and looking back it feels like I lost a part of myself whenever that happened every month. What a mess. It’s a miracle I got through that without completely losing the plot. I am so glad I don’t have that any more. Praise and glory be.
- This then makes me think depressing thoughts about my future and I worry about what I will be like if I’m cursed with some illness in old age that makes me unwell all the time. I will be a depressed old lady of the worst kind and no one will want to be around me and I will have no friends.
- This feeds the general nasty mood combination in the first bullet point above, and the cycle continues.
There’s a poem in there somewhere.
I think.
