I went for a “run” today.
(It wasn’t really a full run.)
Because it had just rained, it was wet, so I had to constantly remind myself to be careful. I have fallen twice on the same ankle, sprained and chipped a bone, so I really must be careful. It was a beautiful evening. Because of the rain, there weren’t many people out. Entering the park when it was so quiet and green and peaceful was lovely — I was making a mental note to come for a run more often right after a big rain, as the evening calm was soothing.
I was taking it easy — walk, run, walk, run, etc. — until I got further into the park and saw there were… WHATTHEEFFINGHELL… #$!@#@(*&^-ing MONKEYS?!?!!
Now.. now… all calm was gone.
Now, I had heard of the monkeys in this park. I had heard these stories, and many of them did not have happy endings. Stories of women getting handbags stolen, having forearms bitten, and worse. Blood! Pain! MONKEY FIGHTS! I had also been to this park several times before and never seen a monkey myself, so I figured there weren’t many of them around, despite the signs all over the park that say “Do not feed the monkeys! Fines and immediate prosecution!”
Nobody told me that THE MONKEYS COME OUT IN THE RAIN. Bloody hell.
Let me tell you — seeing these monkeys instantly made me run faster.
I wanted to run right the hell past them and away away away away far away. And I did! I ran and ran and ran faster than I have run before… but not so fast that the monkeys could sense fear. That was the last thing I wanted. I ran just fast enough so that the monkeys would think I was just a fast, dedicated runner… at least that’s what I told myself.
I eventually got past one herd of monkeys.
I kept running. There was another herd. I ran more, and I passed them too.
While I was running, I was concentrating so hard on not tripping, on energizing my core, on making sure my feet hit the ground properly, on making sure that I didn’t accidentally slip on a fallen leaf or moldy patch of path that at one point, I realized I did not know where I was. I had just followed the path. I had no idea how far into the park I was, nor how to get out. Or back. Other than just turning around and going back the way I came…. I had no other strategy and I was secretly hoping i could just cut across somewhere to a road or something to get back home.
I looked at the time – it was nearing sunset. I was suddenly paralyzed by another fear.
What if I am trapped in the park after the sun goes down? I don’t even know where I am. Will the monkeys still be out? Dear gawd, will the monkeys know I’m scared? Where ARE THEY? Are they in the trees right now, watching me look at my phone frantically? Where the hell is Google Maps? Where am I? Why is there a sign here on the trail about snakes? SNAKES AND MONKEYS?!?!?!
When I saw where I was on the map, I realized I had planned poorly. Well, to be honest, I hadn’t planned at all. I was halfway to Woodlands, for crying out loud. The only way for me to get out of the park without taking a taxi home (and I had no money on me) was to go back the way I came. It was going to be a long walk back, as I was already 4.2km into the park.
Would I make it before sunset? Will the monkeys still be out? WHERE ARE THE MONKEYS?
Suddenly I was running very very fast again, as it now clicked that the faster I ran, the faster I would be out of the park!
I ran and ran and ran. And then I walked, out of sheer exhaustion. And I saw a few other people running, so I felt better knowing that if I was suddenly attacked by a monkey in the shadows and I screamed really loudly, someone would hear. Someone would send help.
(I did actually have my phone with me –hellooooo, Google Maps!– but apparently my subconscious had forgotten this important fact.)
I ran again. The lights in the park were now coming on.
IT’S GETTING DARK. NOOOOOOOOO!
Ran some more. Ran ran ran ran ran ranranran. Stopped to look at Google Maps again and finally saw that I was getting close. I came around a bend and things looked familiar again.
Yay! I will make it out alive and monkey-free!
There were more monkeys. I ran past them again. ranranranranran.
I made it to the park exit just as the sky was turning grey-blue. I was drenched. I was exhausted. I had combo-run and walked 8+ km, when I had only planned on 5.5.
Lessons learned:
- The monkeys come out when it rains.
- I must plan my routes better.
- The best way to get me to run really fast is turn on the dark and bring out the monkeys.
And that last one, #3, is today’s truth.
