(I forgot to post last night.
Went out with friends I hadn’t seen since before the big break and had a good old-fashioned catchup over drinks. It was lovely, refreshing, and fun! And of course I got home, tired, and forgot to post.
Perhaps I need to make this a daily thing that I do at times other than in the evening? Or at least before bed?
Anyway, so I will have to post twice today. That’s okay.)
Yesterday’s truth is about stories we tell ourselves.
What narratives go on in your head? What stories do you tell yourself, whether without thinking, or consciously? We all have them. We need them. These narratives are what allow us to move forward…. or, in some cases prevent us from moving forward. Entire books have been written about how to think more positively — that is, how to change your narrative self-talk into something positive and functional. Interior dialogue can be debilitating if the majority of it is negative. Dr. Phil is one of the pop-psychs who has made this a big part of his work.
I’m not particularly interested in this post about the cognitive psych behind negative self-talk, though I do find it fascinating. What I am interested in thinking about at this moment is more about the stories — both negative and positive — we tell ourselves daily so that we can function within societal contexts, whether personal, professional, familial, or otherwise. I bring up the bits about negative self-talk because they are related. What we tell ourselves daily affects our actions, our relationships, and our outcomes.
We often come into contact with people who tell themselves things that are not necessarily “true.” Now, truth is a difficult thing to define, obviously. The whole purpose of this blog project is for me to define my daily truths — what is true for me on a particular day, as my take-away nugget of value. Truth is relative, this I know, and I by no means wish to de-value others. But I do believe that there are things that are “more true” than others, and that one person’s truth can completely make another person’s truth undeniably less valid or false, provided there are other participants or witnesses to add to the contextual “truth pot.” This is why I think modern-day law and law-enforcement, court and judicial systems, etc. are necessary for a healthy society.
When I encounter someone in my personal or professional life who I sense is telling him/herself a story (or stories) that are not necessarily true, I struggle.
I struggle because I want very much for all people to be true to themselves. I know this sounds corny and idealistic, but well… that’s a part of who I am and I suppose it’s a big part of my career, too. And it pains me to see and know of people who tell themselves untrue things just to get by. I hurt for people when I see them doing this. I know it’s often necessary. We’ve all done it — myself included. And often we look back years later with crystal-clear hindsight and realize that we were lying to ourselves during that particular period of our life.
Sometimes we just have to.
But what about when telling yourself that untrue story, just to function, hurts other people? What about when telling yourself that untruth hurts many, many other people? What then?
Some might argue this is pathological behaviour. Others may go so far as to say that if this behvaviour is sustained, it’s an indicator of one who is a sociopath. I lived with a pathological liar for a year while in university shared housing, and while it makes for great bar-table stories now, it was scary and bizarre at the time. This individual lied both outwardly and inwardly, and her stories were grandiose, delusional, and, according to her, irrefutable (e.g. “KISS the band asked me back to their dressing room to remove their makeup” and “I got to keep Toto the dog from Wizard of Oz On Ice after the show.”).
However, I’ve met many people since whose stories are perhaps not so grandiose, but simply exaggerated, or a different form of what is actually true. They tell themselves these stories, and they sometimes tell others too. Sometimes, it evolves like this: they tell one person, and the reaction they receive from that one person is so empathetic, so comforting, so validating that they can’t help but repeat it…. and thus a pattern has begun.
—
What I found myself wondering yesterday was what story I was going to tell myself. I was actually thinking this through. And I was thinking it through because I was in a position where I was not sure what was “true” about a current predicament. And so I had to parse, find an angle, a point of view, and perspective for my story. Not create — I am not in the business of crafting fiction about myself, as I have no need for that. (I’ve been there, as I said, and I’m open to discussing it, but this is not one of those situations.)
But this led me down a rabbit hole of thought about many many people who have come in and out of my life over the years whose self-told stories have been just not-quite-right. Some of those encounters are recent. Super recent, even. Others are years old now, but still linger. (Pain dissipates and is dormant, but never disappears from memory completely.) And still I come back to this idea, unfinished, unresolved — and likely will remain so: Why do we tell ourselves and others stories which are untruths? Is it ego? Do we wish to save face? Is our ultimate flaw as humans to be “right” or justified in our actions and thoughts?
I don’t have an answer to these questions, but they perplex me to no end. “Untrue” stories have the potential to harm others. Sometimes greatly. They also have the potential to harm ourselves. So what’s the pay-off? Why do we tell ourselves untrue stories — and worse, why do we believe them? That is sometimes the scariest part, and I’ve witnessed it time and again. When a person tells him/herself a story that is not true (to whatever degree), and over time, with repetition, s/he believes it. Revisionist self-history in action.
I’m finishing with this for now. But it’s on my mind.
What kind of story do I want to tell myself? What angle will I take? How true is it? Why am I choosing this?
and…
How can I best deal with others whose stories I know to be untrue (to varying degrees)? How does their story affect me, and how can I work around or with this?
